laugh only...

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject.

It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it.

*******

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6,

how much would your father still have?

Ted: $10.

Teacher: You don't know maths.

Ted: You don't know my father!

*******

Mother: David, come here.

David: Yes, mum?

Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.

David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.

Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am scolding you now.

*******

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8

Father: So?

Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.

If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

*******

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV

in the living room.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash of breaking plates, then complete silence.

The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!

Father: How do you know?

Daughter: She didn't say anything.

*******

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love

*******

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born

*******

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

*******

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's.

Did u copy his?

Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*******

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

*******

Teacher: "Where were u born?"

Student: " Singapore , Sir."

Teacher: "Which part?"

Student: "All of me, Sir."

*******

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"

Only one hand shot up.

"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.

"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

*******

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"

Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."

Teacher: "Use your dad's then."

Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

*******

A boy came home from school with his exam results.

"What did u get?" asked his father.

"My marks are under water," said the boy.

"What do u mean 'under water'?"

"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

*******

Can I Borrow Rs.25/-?

A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.

SON: 'Mummy, may I ask you a question?'

MUM: 'Yeah sure, what it is?' replied the woman.

SON: 'Mummy, how much do you make an hour?'

MUM: 'That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?' the woman said angrily.

SON: 'I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?'

MUM: 'If you must know, I make R 50 an hour.'

SON: 'Oh,' the little boy replied, with his head down.

SON: 'Mummy, may I please borrow R25?'

The mother was furious, 'If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I don't work hard every day for such childish frivolities.'

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door..

The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:

Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that R25..00 and she really didn't ask for money very often. The woman went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

'Are you asleep, son?' She asked.

'No Mummy, I'm awake,' replied the boy.

'I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier' said the woman. 'It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the R25 you asked for.'

The little boy sat straight up, smiling. 'Oh, thank you Mummy!' he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.

The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.

'Why do you want more money if you already have some?' the mother grumbled.

'Because I didn't have enough, but now I do,' the little boy replied.

'Mummy, I have R50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.'

The mother was crushed. She put his arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.

It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that R50 worth of your time with someone you love.

If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of hours. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives.

Funny Pics

How to Stay awake in meetings !!!!!!!!!!

Bullshit Bingo" - How to stay awake in meetings
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* expeditious
* to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." - Adam, Atlanta
"My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David , Florida
"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win." - Dan , New York City
"The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited for the fifth box." - Ben, Denver
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for the third time in two hours." - Paul, Cleveland
Enjoy your meetings

Installing husband x.0....? Superb...

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

 

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as  NEWS 5.0,   MONEY 3.0  and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

___________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______________________________________________________________
Reply

DEAR  Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3..5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend:  Cooking 3.0 and  Hot Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

BACHCHE MAN KE SACHCHE- Letter to school Principal

BACHCHE MAN KE SACHCHE ☺

To,

The Principel
Govarment School , Patiyala,
Panjab.

Sir,

Gal E Hai Ki School wich hun Dil nai Lagda, Te Ratta Nu neend nai Aaandi Kyuki School wich kudiya Ghat rahi hai, Te Saddi Class wich ek vi ni hai, jo hai wo bhi Inni mariyal hai ki dekhan nu ji nai karda, te nakhare Asmaan te honde ne. Madam vi koi enni khas patakha nai haigi. Kat to kat ek student nahi te madam to pataka rak lo.

Tainnu Bahut Dhanyawadi Howange.

Your Faithfully
All  3rd standard Students

 

Brain Vs GF, awesome!!....Toooooooo Gud

BRAIN Vs GF

 No prices for guessing who won at last. Nice one..........*

 


Akash was waiting for his love ....
"30 minutes late!!", his brain shouted at him, "Last time you were 5 mins late and she had literally gobbled u up ... remember??"
"Yeah yeah", he said to his brain, "You know her ... all moody and stuff .... oh there she is"
"Scold her OK?", his brain adviced.
"OK I will try"
Sweet Sheetal comes with the cutest smile and says "Im sorry honey .. I was shopping for shoes .. totally forgot about you"
"What if you had said that line buddy?", shouted his brain ... "she would have had a nervous breakdown"
Akash ignored his brain .. "Its OK honey .. its only half an hour . no problem"
She smiled once again .. held his hand and asked "Hope you remember what occasion is today"
"OMG!!!", thought Akash .....
"Brain ... search database for reminders, anniversaries, silly anniversaries, birthdays and birthdays of people I dont care about"
Brain got into action ... he started delegating work to different parts ..
parallel processing .. multiple search .......... complete memory scan.
Sheetal stared at Akash .... "Hello!! u have been staring at me for 2 minutes now ... u OK?"
"Huh!!!", he said, "Oh ... nothing's wrong .. was lost in thought"
"No records found", said the brain ...
"Da**mn!!", thought Akash
"So what say ... how do we celebrate this day?", she asked.
Akash is all confused ... "Ask her ...dumbo?".. said the brain
"OK OK ...stop pushing me"
"Honey .. U know my lousy memory .. I guess I cant recall what today is"
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", she shouted ... and started crying.
"How could you forget!! ..... its my doggy's birthday"
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
A moment of silence.
His entire brain staff was laughing at him.
Akash was dumbfounded.
"What the hell am I supposed to do know?", he asked his brain.
"Damage control sequence initialized ... dont worry our specialist will comeback with the perfect line to make everything all right"
"Better do it fast ..brainy"
The brain was working at 90% capacity .... gathering and analyzing all data on 'How to handle women?'
Finally an answer was computed and communicated to Akash.
He looked up to her, and said "Of Course I remember your doggy's bday .. how can I forget that sweet mutt's special day"
She looked up with utter surprise ...
"HUH!!!!!!! ........ Doggy is the name of my cat you je**rk"
She stood up angrily and left.
Akash and his brain were left there clueless .

Excerpts from HER & HIS diaries

SEE the difference:-

Excerpts from HER & HIS diaries

HER DIARY

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."  I asked him if it was
my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not
to worry.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him, but he simply smiled and
kept driving.  I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't
say,
"I love you too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him, as if  he wanted nothing
to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant
and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him
with the situation but he had fallen asleep.
I started crying and cried until I fell asleep. I do not know what to do.
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

***************************************************


HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match again. DAMN IT!

*************************************************** 

Enjoy - Speech Of - 3 Idiots

Adarniya sabhapati mahodaya ?atithi vishesh shikshan mantri shri R D
tripati [tripathi] ji ..maanyaniya shikshagan aur mere piyaaare [pyare]
sahpatiyo [sahapathiyon] ?aaj agar I.C.E aasmaan ki bulaaandiyo
[bulandiyon] ko chhu raahaa [raha] hai ..to uska shreya sirrf [sirf]
ekinsaan [ek insaan] ko jaataahai [jata hai] shri veerusahastra buddhe
..give him a a big hand ..he is a great guy really ..

Peechle buttis saal se inhone nirantar is college mein balatkar
[balaatkaar ] pe balatkar kiye ..umeed hai aagey bee [bhi] karte rahege
[rahenge] ..hamine to aashcharya hota hai ki ek insaan apne jeevan kaal
mein itni balatkar kaisi kar sakta hai ?inhone kadi tapaasya se apne
aapko is kaabil bunaya [banaya] hai ..waqt ka sahi upyog ghante ka purna
istemaal koi inse seeke [seekhe] ..seeke inse seeke ?.aaj hum sab
chaatra yaha hai ..kal desh videsh mein fail [faael] jayenge ..waadaa
hai aapse jis desh mein honge waha balatkar karenge I.C.E ka naam roshan
karenge ?dika [dikha] denge sabko jo balatkar Karne ki shamtaa yaha ke
chaatro mein hai wo sansaar ke kisi chaatro mein nahiii ?.No other
chaatra No other chaatra



Adarniya mantraji namashkar aapne is sansthaan ko wo chees di jiski
hamein sakht zaroorat thi ...sstunn ..stunn hota sabi [sab hi] ke paas
hai ..sab chupa ke rakte hai ..detaa koi nai ?aapne apna stun is
balatkari purush ke haat mein diya hai?ab dekiye yeh kaisa iska upyog
karta hai

Funny Oxymoron... Good one..!!!

An oxymoron is usually defined as a phrase in which two words of contradictory meaning are brought together:-

1) Clearly misunderstood

2) Exact Estimate

3) Small Crowd

4) Act Naturally

5) Found Missing

6) Fully Empty

7) Pretty ugly

8) Seriously funny

9) Only choice

10) Original copies

And the Mother of all......

 

 

11) Happily Married

 

 

Girls & Guys Facts

Girls & Guys Facts

GIRL FACTS:

When a girl bumps into your arm while walking she wants you to hold her hand

When she wants a hug she will just stand there

When u break a girls heart, she still feels it when u run into each other 3 years later

When a girl is quiet, millions of things are running through her mind.

When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be
around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are so wonderful.

When a girl lays her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live without you, she has made up her mind that you are her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, " no one in this world can miss you more than that

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup she wants you back, but she's scared she'll get hurt and knows you're gone forever

Guy Facts:

When a guy calls you, he wants to be with you

When a guy is quiet, He's listening to you...

When a guy is not arguing, He realizes he's wrong

When a guy says, "I'm fine, " after a few minutes, he means it

When a guy stares at you, he wishes you would care about him and wonders if you do

When you're laying your head on a guy's chest, he has the world

When a guy calls you everyday, he is in love

When a (good) guy tells you he loves you, he means it

When a guy says he can't live without you, he's with you till your done

When a guy says, "I miss you, " he misses you more than you could have ever missed him or anything else

Don't miss even a single word...

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.
He asks one of his new students to stand and......
Prof: So you believe in God?

Student: Absolutely, sir.

Prof: Is God good?

Student: Sure.

Prof: Is God all-powerful?

Student: Yes.

Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?
(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Is Satan good?

Student: No.

Prof: Where does Satan come from?

Student: From...God.. ..

Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student: Yes.

Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?

Student: Yes.

Prof: So who created evil? (Student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?

Student: Yes, sir.

Prof: So, who created them? (Student has no answer.)
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?

Student: No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?

Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student: Yes.

Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Prof: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?

Prof: Yes.

Student: No sir. There isn't. (The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it. (There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?

Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?

Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?

Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?

Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a Substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir? (The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (The class is in uproar.)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain? (The class breaks out into laughter.)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir? (The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable. )

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student: That is it sir.... The link between man & god is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

NB: I believe you have enjoyed the conversation....... this is a true story, and the student was none other than........ . ..
. .
.
..
.
APJ Abdul Kalam , the former president of India .

Joke.....

Santa : I tried your number so many times, it always said 'Switched Off'!"
Banta : Nahi Pape, it's my HELLO TUNE!


Daku Mangal Singh Banta Ke Ghar Mein Ghu Ayaa..
Daku : Sona kahan hai, Jaldi Bataao..!
Banta : Pura Ghar Khali Hai Malko, Jithe Marzi So Jao!

Santa : Kaisi Sabzi Banai Hai, Bilkul Gobar Jaisa Swad Hai !
Jasmeet : Hey bhagwan! Na Jane Inhone Kya-Kya Kha Ke Dekha Hua Hai.
Gobar Ka Swad Bhi Pata Hai..!


Banta : Praji, Jab Main Paida Hua Tha To Military Walon Ne 21 Topein Chalayeen Thi.
Santa : Kamaal Hai ! Sab Ka Nishana Kayse Chook Gaya ..?


Santa meets his friend Bunta
Santa : A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B...!
Bunta : Oye, Iska Matlab ?
Santa : Kuch Nahin Yaar, I Mean Long Time No C..!

Santa : Drinking-n-Driving Dono Nalo Naal Nai Ho Sakde.
Banta : Kyoo Ji ?
Santa : Je SpeedBbreaker Aa Gaya Taa Peg Dul Jau.



Phone Ki Ganti Baji.
Santa : Phone Mere Liye Ho To Kehna Mein Ghar Pe Nahin Hoon.
Jasmeet : Wo Ghar Pe Hain.
Santa : Maine Mana Kiya Tha Ke...
Jasmeet : Phone Mere Liye Tha!


Santa : Aapne Nurse Bahut Changi Rakhi Hai, Uska Haath Lagtey Hi Mein Theek Ho Gaya.
Doctor: Jaanta Hoon, Thappad Ki Awaaz Mujhe Bhi Sunai Di Thi.


Santa : Oh Yaar Main Badi Mushkil Mein Hoon...
Meri Biwi Mujhse Ek Pappi Ka Ek Rupeya Leti Hai..!
Banta : Oh Yaar Tu Bada Lucky Hai, Auron Se To Woh 5 Rupye Leti Hai.

Santa : Yaar! Main Apna Purse Ghar Bhool Aaya, Mainu 1000 Rs Chahide Si.
Banta : Dost Hi Dost De Kam Aunda Hai, Le 10 Rs, Riksha Kar Te Purse Le Aa.


Banta : Wo Ladki Deaf Lagti Hai. Main Kuch Kehta Hoon, Woh Kuch Aur Hi Bolti Hai.
Santa : Kaise?
Banta : Maine Kaha I Luv U, To Woh Boli 'Maine Kal Hi Naye Sandal kharide hain'


A crow shits on Banta. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.
Banta: Koi Fhayda Nahin, Kauwa Toh Udd Gaya ..!


Santa : When I get mad at you,you never fight back.How do you control your anger?
Jasmeet : I clean the toilet bowl.
Santa : How does that help?
Jasmeet : I use your toothbrush!